So – the Vampiric Holiday Wish List.
(How the fuck else are you going to know what I want for Christmas?)
See – I’ve seen and read lots of other ‘vampire’ stuff, and I figure in real life? – we got a fucking raw deal, man. So here it is – a top 13 countdown…
13. I want to fly. Apparently we can fly. Don’t know how – the human form, dead or alive, is not aerodynamically plausible or gravity-defying. But fuck – I wanna be able to do it anyway…
12. I want to not have a reflection. On bad hair days that would be bloody awesome, right?
11. I want superhuman speed. Sure – optimum physical condition is nice, but I want to do the whole ‘you blink’ thing, ‘and I’m behind you…’ Otherwise I’ll simply have to continue just waiting behind you…
10. Mind control. Shit – yes, please.
9. Transmogrification – jury’s out on this one. Lions and tigers and bats, oh my? Useful getaway strategy, but I reckon my own Cat would probably fucking devour me. Maybe not…
(I asked on Twitter what else I should ask Santa for. The responses were satirical, metaphysical or fucking hilarious. They suggested:)
8. Nothing (practical)
7. Fake fangs or body glitter or Twilight merchandise (fuck no)
6. Snaplock bags (fuck yes)
5. A coffin to put everything in (traditional)
4. Garden gnomes (despicable)
3. A woodchipper (actually – I’d been watching Fargo and suggested that myself)
2. Bubblewrap (still bloody amazed someone remembered I fucking love that stuff…)
But no.
The number one thing vampires want for Christmas? Well. This vampire anyway.
1. Violence. And Vengeance. And Amelia‘s head on a platter, Salome-style.
Oh please, Santa?
Er. I haven’t been a good boy. In fact, I can fucking guarantee I’m on the naughty list. But if I don’t get what I want…
There’s going to be trouble.
Oh – what the hell. Let’s cause some fucking trouble anyway, eh? It’s Christmas, after all.
4 Comments
Something’s telling me Jonathon’s Christmas is going to be red.
Btw, you and bubble wrap shouldn’t make me go awww. I have to stop finding you adorable, it’s a problem. A big fucking problem.
I’m not fucking adorable. Neither is bubble wrap… It’s bloody serious. And cool.
How about a willing Human Donor? But, I have forgotton how much you like to hunt. And I was wondering about Mitchell still telling stories?
Fish boy Mitch? Geez. Kinda forgotten about him. Good point – should look him up one of these days…