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Okay kiddies.   Let’s start today by debunking some really dumb myths, yeah?

Jonathon’s FAQ:

I don’t fucking ‘twinkle in the sunshine’, okay?   Not now.   Not ever.   Don’t ever ask again.

Nor do I burst into special effects flames, or explode spectacularly, or crumble into dust, or shriek “I’m melting”, or do any of that cinematic melodramatic shit.   Come on: honestly.   Have some respect.

Nocturnal, yes.   So pale, yes.   How many tanned night-dwellers or rosy cadavers are you likely to see?   Fortunately up-all-night, sleep-by-day is also the natural life cycle of any teenager, and the goth/emo/whatever look makes things so much easier.   So yes – Jonathon wears hoodies and dark glasses and blesses the wonderful bastards who invented sunscreen.   Before that it used to be monks’ cowls or pilgrim hats or opera cloaks or some such embarrassing shit if you needed to go out of doors during the day.   Not attractive.

Preferably though, Jonathon is indoor-dwelling unless midnight shopping for snacks.

Snacks are not for every day, though.   Hunger is a strange thing for us.   You need it when you need it.   And sometimes that’s months apart, and sometimes it’s a week-long frenzy.   And no – we don’t need a lot.   In fact, it’s worthwhile not getting greedy.   Exsanguination is clean, but an awkward MO to disguise.   Before you know it, people are talking and looking over their shoulders and tabloids move in, and it’s time to move on.   Which gets annoying.   Much easier to leave a mess where a litre or so of the red stuff probably won’t be missed, or if you really want to avoid any publicity, you borrow some nice dumb drunk kid from a party who won’t remember where the random wound came from.   More on that later.

Necks are too obvious, by the way.   And the whole pointy-teeth-neat-little-punctures thing? – not happening.   Let ‘er rip.

So yeah.   What else.   Crucifixes, bah – if you don’t believe in them having actual ‘power’, what makes you think I will?   Symbols can’t kill you.   Don’t know where the mirror thing came from.   Or the garlic – I tell you, we piss ourselves laughing about that one!   I reckon one of us started it for a joke way back when – testament to the hilarious power of superstition among you lot.

Of course, these aren’t really FAQ, boys and girls.   No-one ever actually asks because no-one who knows ever lives long enough to get around to it.   They’re usually kind of preoccupied at the time, anyway.   Plus fear isn’t usually very coherant.   But as long as we’re chatting and you’re safely anonymous at the moment, I thought we might as well get some of the stupid stuff out of the way.   Don’t you think?

So what else do you want to know?   Hey – there’s that ten million dollar question, isn’t there?   The one you’re feeling you’d really like to ask right now?   You know.   Yep.   That one.

How do you kill me?



That would be telling, wouldn’t it?

Sweet dreams.



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