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Let’s be clear.

The fucking worst thing about my life is the very thing Twilight and Buffy and all those little teen novellas are fetishizing about.   You think you know what that is, don’t you?   You’re wrong.   It’s not being what I am – that’s sure as hell not the curse.   It’s being where I am.

I know teens love all this pulpy effete fiction because it’s all about their teeny life experience which they think is so monumental.   Yes.   I’m talking about you.   It totally makes petty romances and angst and self-doubt and all that adolescent melodrama a case of life and death.   And adults love it (that’s the rest of you) because it’s about nostalgia and getting back in touch with the things you felt when you were young so you can feel young again…   Awww.   Be still, my non-beating heart.   Reading vampire fiction is your chance to feel immortal and immoral, yeah?   Pretending to be just like the real thing – teens can turn their little problems into a history of blood and lust, and adults can make-believe they’re young forever.

Are you seeing why teen vampire fiction isn’t working for me?   Duh.   I have both these things already – these things that humanity is always after.   A reminder you’re important and a way to cheat age and death.   I win, right kiddies?

Bullshit.   BULLSHIT.   Immoral and immortal = awesome.   No arguments there.   Immoral and immortal and doesn’t look old enough to have graduated = hell on earth.   That’s what it is.  That is the fucking curse.   Think it through with me here.  

High school.


Are you hearing me?   Fuck off about Angel ‘struggling’ with a soul, and Edward in love with some droopy emo girl, and Bill Compton having issues about chewing on some waitress down south.   Stupid fictional “human” problems.   We don’t give a shit about that kind of stuff.   I swear – the real deal is far more horrific.  

Hell is being about 400 years old* and still stuck in fucking high school.


*I don’t know exactly, any more, okay?   Keeping up with birthday candles has never been my style.   Dark Ages or something.   You do the fucking math.   Shit.





  1. I’ll admit I’m interested in the “sarcastic teen vampire” thing, but I hope there’s going to be some explanation of why you’re in high school.

  2. loving the blog. I was hooked with seconds

  3. Hmm… stuck in high school ad nauseum. And I thought it was bad having to be there for four years. A big down side to vampire immortality. You have my condolences.

    Good blog, by the way.

  4. Wrote a review of Twilight and Madame Bovary on my site and p.s.’ed a directive to visit this page. I don’t mention people without telling them, so I thought I’d let ya know.

    Thanks for the laughs and giggles.

    • Cheers. If you use the link icon above the typing box, you can make the http an actual click-on link…

  5. Okey, i don’t understand why YOU have to go to school, Why? You are a vampire, you can do anything you want. Or i’m wrong

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