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I got blood in my iphone and it made the screen go all weird and blotchy.   Shit.

You do realise it takes living through the fucking dark ages to really appreciate modern technology, yeah?   I’m still giving thanks for modern plumbing, electricity, transport that doesn’t have feet, and snap lock bags.   What do you mean, why?   Improving the livestock’s hygiene is always a serious boon.   When you’re predominantly noctural, being able to turn on a light with minimal fire-hazard risk is awesome.   As most quadrupeds get pretty bloody skittish around you, calling a cab is sheer bliss.   And when your main food source is not only quickly perishable but also often difficult to linger over, the joy of packing your lunch into plastic for a nice takeaway meal is fucking brilliant.

So yeah.   We love technology.   Useful surveillance, easy tracking, and convenient social networking opportunities.   Not to mention access to medical and personal records, and data-erasing possibilities for the really techno-savvy, either.   I just love what people will put out there in the internet world about themselves – it’s a positive invitation to dinner, most of the time.

Plus the IT world suits us – well, to a T.   Tiny coffin-like offices and cubicles with little-to-no natural light, everyone else wandering around looking pale and jaded too, long night-time work hours (do you realise how much we love being able to say we actually work the ‘graveyard’ shift?) – and best of all, we’re sure as hell never expected to actually like the human beings we have to interact with.

Yeah, most of us have had time to get our finances in order over the years, but some still don’t have a head for figures after a couple of centuries.   So what with recessions (we’ve seen a fair fucking few), and interest rates and the state of the global economy, blah, blah, blah… there are still plenty of my lot in the workforce, one way or another.   Some for the money, some for the convenience, some for kicks.   Triage is popular – easy to have a quick nip that the patient and the coroner won’t notice.   Also entertainment – that Anne Rice woman wasn’t actually too far off with Lestat, even though he was a wanker – rock stars and celebs are meant to keep shocking hours and behave badly, and hire people to clean up – well – all kinds of weird fucking mess.   The really sad cases end up in late-night convenience stores and gas stations, just hoping some poor fucker comes in to try and rob the place.  

And then there’s the IT industry.   Just made for predators, that one.   So much wonderful, easy, detailed data at our lily-white, slightly blood-stained fingertips.   Those 24-hour technology support helplines, you know – just think twice about who you might be giving your information to, huh?   Or who could be tapping into your phone GPS, or reading your email, or watching you working late on the security cameras…

Not that I’m trying to make you paranoid or anything.

Well.

Not trying too hard.

I find it pretty damn funny how often the metaphor gets into IT anyway.   Telemarketers and emails as energy vampires, computer viruses and Facebook or Twitter as time vampires – Google as a “digital vampire” recently, sucking the life out of the publishing and newspaper industries.   Geez.   We’re getting fucking maligned here, people.   I tell, you, our finicky eating habits are nothing compared to your hunger for consumerism and taste for social cannibalising.   It seems to be bloody insatiable nowadays.   Take some responsibility, for fuck’s sake – you don’t hear me blaming violent computer games and explicit rap lyrics, or Twilight and True Blood for my night-time activities, do you?   I am what the hell I am, and fucking proud to be so.   Screw you if you can’t say the same.

 

Whatever.   Anyway – fortunately as far as iphones go, I scored a new one yesterday – hardly been used, bargain price.   Actually, the previous owner gave it away in a heartbeat – particularly when it was really his fault my own one got ruined.  

Hell, yes – when it comes down to it, we just love modern technology.

 

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