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(My current hunting project is proving elusive.   So, for now – fuck it.   We’ll return you to regular programming as soon as updates come to hand.   In the meantime – a short ad break…)

 

So – You Want To Be A Vampire?  

Well, we here at Jonathon8 Inc. have had years of study and expert experience with this revolutionary phenomenon, and would like to take a few minutes now to tell you about the benefits of our wonderful program, and just what you can expect when you join the enviable ranks of the undead.

 

Once you begin the process, you’ll start noticing the effects immediately:

* No more worrying about what to have for dinner.   Your diet is now all planned out for you, and there is an endless source of delicious meals available in your area.

* Forget halitosis, body odour, and most other unpleasant kinds of body functions.   Your new condition dispenses with all need for such corporeal activity.

* No longer be hampered by ‘fitness’ levels and muscle tone: using our product means your body is functioning at optimum capacity: stronger, faster, more durable.   That includes limbs, senses, brain – and yes, of course.   Down there too.

* Breathing, sleeping and consuming other food items are optional extras.

* Now, there’s been lots of talk of potential side-effects in the media lately, but let us reassure you right now.   A good quality sunscreen, hat and shades totally counteracts that pesky light-sensitivity.   Coffins, dental prosthetics and long fingernails are entirely at your discretion.   And ditsy besotted fans are always edible.

* It’s a quick, unclean and relatively painful procedure, but you’re going to LOVE the results.

* And best of all?   All our work comes with an eternal lifetime guarantee

 

All you need to do is sign over your life, and the process can begin immediately.   It’s just that’s simple.   Call now.

 

NEXT ENTRY…

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2 Comments

  1. Where do I sign up?? Give a number, I’ll call…

  2. What’s the number?
    I’d like the process to begin immediately. 😉


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