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WARNING: Those with weak stomachs may like to skip this entry.

No, seriously.

I figure we’ve known each other long enough now.   It’s time we got into the really gross stuff that no-one would usually dare ask or tell about.   All those sweet, romantic, idealistic depictions of us are what actually make me nauseous.   I think it’s your turn.   Prepare for the gruesome details.   And don’t read this while eating.

So – consuming blood.   Two immediate bonuses: no bad breath from rotting food scraps being digested, and no waste products.   Clean, neat cycles of fuel collected, used and renewed.   We only need to eat when we need to – I’ve always thought it’s disturbingly like pregancy cravings, really.   Not really ‘hunger’ as such – the body, in self-replenishing and revitalising, knows what it needs and demands it.

Freaky, eh?   Aren’t you glad you get to learn all this?   As a result, the porcelain bowl in our homes is usually in pristine condition.   Except if we over-indulge, of course.   And then like everyone, the extra has to go somewhere.   See what great morals I’m preaching here, boys and girls?   Unless you want to be puking or pissing blood in the morning, you drink in moderation…

Urgh, you say.   Jonathon – how tasteless.  

Well – no, actually.   The taste is… er.   Nevermind.

Now – this doesn’t mean our digestive systems won’t still function.   Sure they do.   Everything does.   It’s just that none of it needs to.   We can breathe (how the fuck else are we going to talk, for starters, or walk among the sheep unnoticed?), we can fuck, we’ve got all our senses (which are bloody superior to yours, I’ll tell you that), and yes – sure.   We can eat.   We can drink.

Here’s where the abject really begins, kiddikins.

We can eat and drink.   Oh yes.   But the body doesn’t process it.   Doesn’t need to.   It all just goes straight through.   Pretty much as is.   And that kind of thing coming up or coming out is more repulsive than blood ever is.   Charming, ain’t it?   I swear I’ve even put up with the rumours I’m anorexic or bulimic at times rather than choke my way through a meal for the sake of being sociable.   (And that’s saying something, because those are full-on horrible human disorders, by the way.   Plus from our perspective it’s not good eating to eat the malnourished – thin blood, sour taste…   Ick.)  

What do you mean, what do I mean?   Do I need to spell out all the gory details for you?   Fine.   Wonder why you don’t hear about me sitting down to dinners or chugging down beers often?   I can do it, but like I say, it’s fucking gross afterwards.   Pissing alcohol and shitting masticated but undigested pulp is bloody unpleasant.


What?   Come on, I’m still a fucking teenage boy at heart, even after all these years.   Scatological humor is where it’s at, people – deal with it.

And I hope you are never able to look at Edward Cullen, Angel, Eric Northman, et al in the same way ever again.  


Yeah, you’re right.  

I totally suck…




One Comment

  1. Rather frequently, someone poses the question of food & digestion. I refused to address the issue, but now I will point them here. Thank you for taking on this topic.

    And I agree, bulimia, anorexia, & anything that causes anemia are harmful conditions that should not be ignored.

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