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Dear Jonathon,

 I’m a love with a vampire but I’m getting cold feet about being with him.   What should I do?



Dear Twi-Hard

If he’s ‘with you’ and you’re not dead, then he’s not a vampire.   Though chilly extremeties could possibly be a sign you are dead – you just haven’t noticed yet. 
If you are dead, the problem is solved.   If not, I suggest investing in some socks and that you listen to your mother about never dating an actor.   Finally, if he’s the sort that’s into body glitter, you might simply find there is no issue: he may well prefer trying on your shoes to worrying about your cold feet anyway.
In every case – get a life.



Dear Jonathon,

I’m torn between two vampires as lovers, and am empathically linked to both after consuming their blood.   One is dark and dull, the other is blond and dangerous.   What should I do?

Psychic Sidekick


Dear Psychic Sidekick,

Uh huh.   Fuck them both (literally, if you like), then tell them to go fuck themselves (or each other, if you like).   Blood has no psychic properties – they’re obviously playing you.   If you fell for it, I guess you’re not so foreseeing after all…



Dear Jonathon,

I’m fucking sick of lame-ass modern-day depictions of vampires.   When will people wake up and smell the blood-lust?



Dear Jonathon8,

Your time will come.   Meanwhile, I suggest searching out a good self-help column to patronise.   It alleviates boredom, increases irony levels and gets the blood boiling.

Happy hunting,





  1. Dear Ana,
    Please tell me how I can become a vampire? I really, really want to be like you.

    Hello curious one,
    Trust me when I say that you do not want to be like me. Live your life and stop obsessing with the morbid.
    Ciao, Ana

    Hi Ana,
    Do you have fangs?
    –A vampire lover

    Hi lover,
    You didn’t read my blog.
    –Yassou, Ana

    [And the one I got today:]
    I just have one embarrassing little question for you. You don’t have to answer. Do vampires bathe?
    –A seeker

    Dear child,
    If vampires didn’t bathe, they would be very, very dusty.
    La revedere, Ana

  2. Dear Jonathon8,
    I miss your cat. What do I do about it?

    • Dear Calista,

      Stay tuned and your woe will be gone – the Cat is undead and well, and we are in negotiations for it to make an appearance anon.
      (ie. It’s holed up under the kitchen dresser sulking just now, and won’t come out…)


  3. Stupid questions for vampires.
    -do you sleep?
    -do you eat/drink anything else but blood?
    -do you appear in photographs?
    -do you sleep in coffins?
    -do you read vampire fiction (e.g. Twilight)?
    -do you admire those fictional vampires and want to be like them?
    -do you think I could be your Bella?
    -is your skin hard but velvet at the same time?
    -do you ever joke?
    -do you ever smile?

    [I think I’ve just drained my clearly-stupid- questions’ vault concerning vampires. Any further addition will not be submitted. I know the limits]

    • Dear Fairy,

      Do you actually read my blog? I’m going to hope for ‘yes’ and that your post here is therefore purely rhetorical…

      Yours faithfully,

      • If I was not reading your blog, what else would I be doing here? And that’s a rhetorical question too. The previous post was just one momentary inspiration, as I was reaing that post and the responses. That’s all.

  4. Forgive me for spamming, but I couldn’t help but comment the “Yassou”. Greece is a really nice country. Very mystical. And legends for vampires begun here….

    • I will agree with you there, Fairy. I can find no older legends.

  5. J8, please tell me you made up those questions. I mean I know people are stupid, but really? It makes me sad for the human race.

    • Mine are piss-takes. But scary thing is, Ana’s ones apparently aren’t…?

  6. I’m really not surprised by these type of questions; I myself and people I know have gotten similarly strange questions about our dietary habits, sundown-determined schedules, non-existent extra appendages (horns, not fangs), and the process of becoming “one of us”.

    No, I’m not a vampire, just an Orthodox Jew.

    • Now that is a truly terrifying creature… lol, joking, Jehovahs Witnesses are much worse.

  7. Did we already cover the whole “vampires and holy objects” lesson? If so, can someone provide a link? If not:

    Jonathon8, Ana, et al.,

    Do you react poorly to any religious objects/liturgies etc?

  8. Hello Neo,
    I see you’ve been talking about me. I must say that I liberally reworded those “letters”, but the questions are real.

    As for religious objects, they are just inert items. There is no more power in the reproduction of crucifix than there is in a railroad-crossing sign. But, religious symbols make humans feel stronger and empowered. The notion of holy idols, which contain the essences of God, convinces people that they wield deific power. It is dangerous to make oneself into God, but it isn’t I who will feel the repercussions.


One Trackback/Pingback

  1. By “real” vampire blog « being a swan on 05 Sep 2009 at 2:23 am

    […] real vampires into fictional vampirism. perhaps the most obvious example is this entry with “dear Jonathon” questions to the vampire. read the questions, also read the questions posted by […]

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