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The Cat and I have been watching tv together recently.  

We watched the True Blood season two finale, the debut of Vampire Diaries, half a season of Being Human, Interview with a Vampire again, and some Buffy/Angel reruns.

I’m trying to think how to explain this.   So – say you’re watching a movie, right? and they introduce a character who’s meant to be your nationality.   Only they’re not – they’re just some actor who can kinda do an accent a bit, and has vaguely suitable colouring in hair, skin and eye to pass as one of your countrymen.

Thing is – what you end up getting is actually a fucking caricature.   You sure as hell know that’s not how your lot sound, or look.   And the ideas these characters express and the traits they exhibit and the shit they’re interested is this ridiculous simplistic layman version of the complexities of your cultural knowledge and experience.   Plus there’s a good dollop of complete and utter bullshit that no-one you’ve ever met has ever heard of – even though here it’s being presented as a) fact, b) stereotypical, and c) a truth universally acknowledged…


So – way back when, I debunked some dumb-ass myths about my particular – culture.

Let me add a few more in the light of my recent small screen viewing, yeah?


Jonathon’s FAQ:

I do not fly.   (Or wear a J on my chest, go in for lycra tights, or leap tall buildings in a single bound.   Just so we’re clear.)

I do not know any werewolves, ghosts, zombies, greek deities, shape-sifters, mind-readers, et al.   As far as I know, all that shit is fiction.   Let’s just say in half a millenium I’ve never come across any of that kind of supernatural stuff – and you can fucking argue with me about it when you’ve been hanging around here that long, too.   I am not investigating X-Files, entering the Twilight Zone, or travelling around in the Scooby Van, okay?

I never arrive in a swirl of mist, I do not defy gravity when I climb walls, I do not have fangs that pop, or face veins that pulse, or eyes that change colour, or any other freak-show calling cards.   Yeah – as if we could possibly last anonymously for hundreds of years with telltale signs like that appearing regularly…

Let’s be totally crystal on this one.   I haven’t even the faintest desire to ‘fall in love’ with you.   Come on.   Would you gaze lovingly into a butcher’s window and consider romancing the Sunday roast?   (If so, I sure as hell don’t want to fucking hear about it, right?)


And here’s the real bloody clincher.


I do not want to be ‘human’.   The sole purpose of my existence is not to be another reincarnation of the Pinnochio story – I have NO fucking desire to be a “real boy” one day.   My ‘life’ is not some exploration of the human condition or any shit like that.   My life is just the thing I do to pass the time.

If you think otherwise, you should go and get yourself one.





  1. Being Australian, I completely understand what you mean. Do you know how many fake “Aussies” I’ve seen in the movies or on TV. And do people really think we’re all like Crocodile Dundee? And just for the record, the shit they sell at Outback Steakhouse is NOT Australian. I never heard of a “blooming onion” before I came to the states, and you couldn’t pay me to eat one.
    OK, rant over. Thank you.

    • You mean kangaroos aren’t like giant mice, Australians don’t talk like cowboys, and you haven’t been wrestling crocodiles since you were knee-high to a gum tree?
      Man. I’m so surprised.

    • Or what about the British? They are portrayed as either Very proper with their ‘Pip pip, cheerio’ or little street urchins with their cockney accents. There are more to people than what tv shows us. I think we all know that tv lies. Often.

  2. Hmm, yeah, it is SO seriously annoying when I talk of Vampirism people go overboard trying to tell me police’ll do me in. Prejudices will be there – and fiction feeds it. The End.
    I wish it was otherwise.

  3. Fiction is fiction. Why one would even bother to dismiss it as such when it should be obvious to even the smallest of minds evades me, but hey, that’s just me.

  4. Been there, done that. Pretty much any TV or movie depictions of indigenous Americans. Except for Sherman Alexie.

    Same applies to my other kin. Fiction = no bloody clue.

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