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I ate someone who disagreed with me this week.

Dunno what it was. They looked okay and smelt all right.   But I guess it was the early stages of some kind of blood disease or disorder, or some shit like that.   Anyway, I had a fucking full-on case of… let’s call it ‘food’ poisoning.

Way back, right, we had a little lesson on vampire biology, yeah?   And then a crash course on gastronomy.   Well,  here’s some more anatomy 1010, kiddies.

We don’t get ‘sick’ as such, right?   We’re a sleeker fucking machine than you are – everything is streamlined after the overhaul and reconditioning (er -revamping).   None of the parts are faulty or out of alignment, we need little maintenance, and we run on the cleanest, easiest fuel.   Hence being – high performance, so to speak.   Plus we heal bloody fast, we generally don’t catch anything you flimsy little weaklings find contagious, and we live “for like, forever”.   It’s not ‘magic’ or super-powers, or any of that kind of shit.   It’s just simple mechanics, boys and girls – we fucking work better.

But every now and then we come across someone who leaves a bad taste in our mouth.   The rotten fruit that looks plump and rosy enough, and smells and feels delicious – but break the smooth clean skin with your teeth, and you find the inside rank and putrid.   Urgh.   I’m making myself nauseous again just thinking about it.   Would you people keep yourself healthy, for fuck’s sake?   How’s a Jonathon8 meant to eat?

Mind you – the shit that’s killing you isn’t going to finish us off.   See awesome engineering design analogy above.   But it is going to put little Johnny off his food for a week or so, and throwing up someone else’s guts always makes him even more fucking misanthropic and belligerent than usual.   Harmony skipped class to hang out, but I am not a model patient and she is not a patient nurse, and it ended in her telling me I was a mealy-mouthed little hypochondriac and to suck it up for fuck’s sake.   It’s not like I could tell her that was the whole problem in the first place…

The Cat’s initial response to my condition was to simple vomit up its last meal in sympathy.   In my shoe.

Usefully and coincidently, I’d managed to get myself suspended from school for five days at the end of last week – useful because pulling actual ‘sick’ days is not easy.   It’s not like I can get a doctor’s certificate or anything.   Well, at least not without going all the way across town for example, where I know one of our lot has hypocritically taken the Hippocratic oath (he enjoys making a lot of good old-fashioned and unnecessary blood-lettings, you see)…

But I’m starting to feel like death warmed-up again. So we’re getting back to normal here.

And the moral of the story is to be careful who you eat.   And to always check the expiry date…





  1. Glad to see your feeling better, but are you going to play catch up now?

    • Hell no. I’m gonna just do whatever the hell I feel like doing, as usual…

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