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Let me just start by saying that in several months of posting these musings and after nearly a hundred entries, there are only a handful of comments in comparison to the fucking mind-blowing number of readers, yeah?   (Cheers to you, friends – you know who you are.)

But post one entry that seems to have a nice vulnerable weak spot for you to sink your teeth into, and suddenly every man and his watchdog spring in to take a bite.   Forget lauding all the fucking awesome posts that have come before – make your first comment only to point out what you think is wrong.

Gotta love how the human mind works.   Skip the compliments – just go for the kill.

You can see, of course, why I’m so vastly delighted with this result.   You’re not the holier-than-thou good guys you think you are.   Oh no, kiddikins.   You’re sick, hungry, wicked little predators like me, just waiting for a poor unsuspecting blogger to come along and unwittingly write the wrong thing  so you can go for the jugular.

Bravo, boys and girls.   Unca Johnny is proud of you!

 

Small problem.

 

It’s not a weak spot.

 

“Oh yeah, Jonathon?” you say, “I read your last post, dude.   You claimed you heal but don’t grow.   But healing IS growth, man – it IS regenerative.   You clearly don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

 

I have two things to say to that.

 

The first one is this.   You may have read the wikipedia entry, taken some biology classes, or even done a first-aid course – but you’re going up against empirical knowledge here, my friend.   (NB. if there are any actual doctors or biologists weighing in with this argument, awesome – can you score me a few free blood samples, perchance?   I’ll provide the snaplock bags…)  

You see, I’m un-living self-proof of the fact that I can biologically zip up a stab wound in hours but can’t grow my hair long.   And that seems to be the deal with all my lot.   Dunno why (and that’s a whole other story), but – there you go.

I don’t give a shit about ‘proving’ this to you, mind.   I know it’s true for me, and if you’re going to get het up over it, that only makes it all the more amusing.  

Point is, all your bitching about it isn’t going to change my experience and self-knowledge, yeah?  

I am what I am, that anatomical fact is what it is, and you can make of it what you will.

 

The second thing is this.   Healing IS totally a fucking form of regrowth and regeneration, sure.  

That’s why when you get your leg cut off, you can grow one right back, yeah?

Oh – wait.

Healing is a limited kind of regrowth, right?   Oh dear.   And the limitations on your body as to how something heals and what regenerates might possibly be different to the way it works for some other kind of – er, ‘species’?…  

Nah.   Pft.   Outside the fucking realm of possibility, that – isn’t it?

 

The third thing is this (yeah, there was no third – but the point is I’m not going to play by the fucking rules here).   I warned before about trying to map your human expectations onto my existence.  

When you join our ranks and know the deal and experienced it for yourself, then we can have a huge fucking debate regarding our apparent illogical failure to regrow fingernails.   Promise.

Until then, you go your biological way and I’ll go mine.

 

And if all else fails, I have this to say.

 

You might want to be careful who you accuse of what.    I bite.

(I’d say that was tongue-in-cheek, but then I might have to bite my tongue…)

 

Plus – and here’s the real clincher – I wield absolute power over the delete button for comments, yeah?

So if you don’t like it, you should probably think about getting your own fucking blog and maybe leaving whiny meta-comments on that…    (Ah – tyrannical authorial narrative power.   It’s so underrated.)

 

That’s all, children.   Run along now, and play nice for your Unca Johnny.   See one of you at dinner time – better bring along those predatory instincts, yeah?…

 

NEXT ENTRY…

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8 Comments

  1. Do you really believe we, the simple minded readers, have to comment on everything? It would become pretty boring after a while if every post had a few comments like “OMG J8 your so great.” or “Kill Edward and we won’t care.” . It’s not a Facebook profile after all.
    In my humble opinion, your blog is probably amongst the best 5 blogs I’ve stumbled upon on all my years of blog-surfing, not only because it’s entirely fancinating, well written and extremely interesting, but because it’s powerful and makes me feel like I’m living everything that same moment. It also helps that I relate to the fucked-up protagonist in many ways that I shouldn’t.
    So, overall, your story, your blog, your life and your cat are absorbing and…well…in lack of better words, quite beautiful.
    What any other reasons would there be for all the mind-blowing views after all?
    So, you triggered me to say that. I was reluctant before, because I thought you’d be ironic, as you always are, and consider me a stupid groupie or something. But, now, there you go. That’s what I have to say.
    Keep sharing with the world…

    • Hey.

      With regards the first question, no. This was a piss-take.
      Cheers for the rest.

      Happy hunting.

      J8

  2. OMG J8, you’re so great. (please not spelling and punctuation). Kill Edward, we won’t care. (Mostly cause he’s a fictional fucking character and an ugly little shit stain on any and every kind of vampire lore).

    Again, let me state, people are stupid, and thank you so much repeatedly proving it…

    Am I the only person walking around with a brain?

    • Ahem…. I just have to say that.
      I think I have a brain too….
      Doesn’t work as normal brains do, and thank god for that, but I do. And I walk around too.

    • I don’t have a brain. I’m not sure where it went. I must have lost it sometime in regrowth, so I’m destined to write sentences that all start with ‘I’.

        • Free Fairytale
        • Posted October 5, 2009 at 1:55 pm
        • Permalink

        Perhaps I could say this is not that good of a habit, but since I use I many times per comment/tweet I will refrain from doing so.
        That’s an interesting theory, though. Do vampires have brains? And if they do, how do they work? Not electrecity, I guess.
        Is it love? Glitter? Is it blood…? No one will ever know….

      • Vampire brains consume love and spit out glitter. Congratulations, you’ve cracked the code.

  3. I love your blog and am fascinated by your precise writing/English skills! Your HS English teacher(s) must be enthralled with you!
    -barbann73 over at Twitter…


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