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Thanks for tuning in!   That’s right, ladies and gents – it’s the segment the fans have been asking for.   Your favorite agony uncle (though he tends to cause it rather than mend it) is back for question time – ready and willing to solve your vampiric dilemmas!


First caller.  

Hello – you’re on the air….

*Oh hi, Jonathon.   Look, there’s just so many new movies and books and tv shows out there about vampires, I don’t know where to start.   How do I choose between them all?*

Ah – lucky for you my friend, I’ve been working on solving this very problem.   I’ve created the ultimate modern vampire compilation anthology, guaranteed to contain all your favorite lame-ass ‘vampire’ elements from popular culture, just for your entertainment.   I’m going to call it Original Vampire Erotic Red Rapture Academy’s Twilight Eternity Diaries: Southern Hunter Immortal Trilogy.   You can work out the acronym for yourself.

Next caller…


*Hello?    Hello?   OH MY GAWD, I totally got through!   Is this really Jonathon?   OH MY GAWD!   Oh, Jonathon, I just totally love vampires and all stuff related to vampires, and I’m your biggest fan and I love you so much and I really really really want to be like you and be with you, and all that.   So can you please, you know, turn me in a vampire?*


Next caller….


*Jonathon – my boyfriend dresses too well, doesn’t go in for sports, likes music and literature, and and never has eyes for any other girl.   I’ve always felt he’s somehow different from the other guys I’ve dated, and it seems like he’s been keeping a big secret about himself from me lately.   Could he possibly be a vampire?   Have I found eternal love?*

No.   He’s probably gay, and you’re definitely an idiot.

Next caller…


* Hi there, Jonathon.   Just wanted to say thanks man, for keeping it real.   I’m ****ing over vampires being depicted as sparkly girly romance heroes and love objects – it’s all about the blood and horror and mayhem, dude.   Keep on biting the good bite, yeah?*

Hey, thanks Jonathon.   I couldn’t have said it better myself.


You’ve been listening to ‘Dear Jonathon’, and we’ll be right back after a few short messages…




One Comment

  1. You’re so terribly witty. Please hold while I stare in wonder.

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