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So fear, right.

Fear is the weirdest fucking emotion ever, yeah?   Because no-one really knows if it’s instinctive and ingrained, or developed and manufactured.   I mean – are you scared of things only because your parents or siblings, or horror films or the news teach you to be scared?   Is it just your own over-active imagination?   Are you indoctrined to behave in certain ways from feeling fear?   Or is it natural survival instinct?

Because the thing is, right? – fear is both totally bloody stupid, and amazingly useful.   You’re not gonna do shit that you’re afraid of.   And when that’s jumping off buildings, walking down dark alleys, and talking to strangers, this is a productive thing – it can help you live longer.   But then fear can also make you do fucking stupid things – run away blindly, forget to scream for help, even freeze in your tracks.   How the fuck does that paradox work?

Emotions make for interesting viewing – and of course, fear is one I really get to study.   A lot.   And I still don’t fucking know.   And it’s been so long that I don’t fucking remember either – what it actually ‘felt’ like, I mean.   But maybe some little echo of that shit was still attached to ideas of Amelia, because – as you may have guessed – I took my holidays a little earlier than usual last month.   Discovered that little message from beyond beyond the grave, and some old remnant of emotion was also brought back from the dead.   I felt? – I nearly felt something.  

Hunger, possibly.   I skipped school, skipped town – and ate well.

And then I sat back sated at the end of the week – and thought.

I thought about Amelia, and our last encounter, and the repercussions of her – revisit.   And I thought about my ‘studies’ of fear, and wondered if that was what she has reawakened in me here?    Or if she had ressurrected another emotion.

Maybe blood lust.   The desire to cause fear anew, not remember fucking old reverberations of it.   A reminder to forget who I was and remember what I am.   Yes.

See you later.   I’m going back home to welcome Amelia back from the undead and back into my unlife.

NEXT ENTRY…

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