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The other day I’m sitting in an airport lounge, plugged into the ipod and slumped in a seat with its back to the wide sunny windows overlooking the runways.   The transit world is revolving to Nick Cave, and this bad seed is feeling bad ass and fucking hungry.   People heading off on trips often don’t come back – thy’re off to start a new life, and all that shit.   Sometimes, of course, we meet and they start a new death instead.   Airports are useful places to make people disappear.

Speaking of air, this chick comes and sits opposite me, laden with a wheelie suitcase, three bags of shopping, a shoulder bag, two magazines, and a fruit smoothie.   She dumps all her shit unceremoniously onto the next seat, and flicks at her earring, chews her drink straw, crosses and uncrosses her legs a few times – then fucking leans over and taps me on the knee.

I unplug an ear reluctantly.

“Heya!   Where are you going?”

“To hell.   Wanna come?”

She laughs and shakes her hair.   “I’m going home after this friend’s party, you know?   It was meant to be totally hot, but it was fucking lame in the end, and my friend is a total bitch.   She, like…”

I replug the ear.   She taps my knee again.

“Soooo – what’s your name?”

“Didn’t your mom teach you not to talk to fucking strangers?”

“I’m Elise.   How come you’re so pale at this time of year?”

“I have a skin condition.   It’s contagious.   Piss off.”

She disgards the drink and moves to sit next to me.

“You’re shy, right?   ‘Cause I’m hot, and I’m totally flirting with you right now…?”

“Yeah – that’s totally it.   You’re fucking terrifying to me.”

“Awwww – that’s so cute.   You’re so cute.   So what was your name?”

“It’s still Jonathon8 – I just didn’t bother telling you earlier.”

“Eight what?”

I may have gritted my teeth a little.

“Just 8.”

“Sooooo – Jonathon Aay – t.   What are you, like, into?”

Killing mostly.   Hunting, hurting, horror – and sometimes I watch television afterwards.”

“Oh – tv – so awesome.   I am completely into that show where the girl gets her tits out a lot.   What’s called again?”

I make several unhelpful suggestions.

“Nah, nah.   Um – yep.   True Blood, right?   You know – like that whole sexy vampire thing?   Sooo hot.   I’ve seen New Moon four times already, and I just cannot wait for the next ones – the books were kinda long, so I didn’t bother.   Hey – has anyone said that you sorta remind them of…?”

Don’t.   Fucking.   Say it.”

“I don’t really get it though.   I mean – the vampire thing?   Why does sun make them go weird, and they’re not in mirrors and stuff, and you can only kill them with big toothpicks, or whatever?   Who comes up with that shit?”

“Who the fuck knows…”

“But the whole night-time, hunting, eternal love thing – OMG! (yeah – she actually said that.   I fucking kid you not).  I mean, I totally like the bad guy thing, you know – that hot brother in Vampire Diaries?   Whoa!   Soooo…”

She cuddles in closer.

“…Are you a bad guy, Jonathon Aaaate?”

Well – she asked, right?

I look at her.

“I’m every fucking nightmare you’ve ever had, lady.   I’m the dark violent core of all the evil that’s ever made it through the cotton wool of your head, and spelt out terror for you.   I kill indiscriminately and joyously – I don’t care who or what you are.   I’ve been on a week-long spree, and there was blood and death and teeth and horror, and I fucking loved it.   And this will go on, and on, because I go on and on.   I’m the real fucking deal – I’m what Hollywood and HBO are busy trying to reinvent into something more romantic and less – hungry.   I don’t know love, or life, or longing – I know pain and death and bloodlust.   And Elise – if we’d met anywhere darker and quieter, we wouldn’t be talking.   Fuck no, lady.   I’d be ripping out your fucking throat, and licking at your innards, and you’d be lying in a pool of your own gory lifeforce, and your clothes would be slowly dying themselves in scarlet, and that would not be the only slow dying going on.”

She was finally not fidgetting, her mouth open, her eyes wide.   She blinked.   And then she said:

“OMG.   That is so totally hot.”




  1. OMG…. could you bite her….please

  2. she is a disgrace to females everywhere. Why didn’t you kill her, you old softy?

  3. That’s one annoying girl

  4. would u send her to me and I’ll kill her for you..? please.? bring your bags…

  5. Curiosity killed the cat. Or maybe The Cat killed curiosity. Either work for you I guess…

  6. Ugh. What an annoyance 😐
    I thought this might’ve been funny, but SHE definitely annoyed me like hell :\

  7. Even after a warning like that, she still thought you were hot! WOW, guess you really dazzled her LOL.. and NO! I am in no way comparing you to a Cullen, a Salvatore or anyone from Bon Temps =)

  8. I was so smiling through that last little speaking part of yours. I love you in a purely and completely jealous of your talent kind of way.

  9. How did you keep from smashing her face in? I probably would have grabbed her by the throat and squeezed a little too hard on the second knee tap. I do hope you bled her out slowly and enjoyed the music of her pathetic whimpers.

  10. I feel for you, man. I feel for you.

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