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So – the Vampiric Holiday Wish List.

(How the fuck else are you going to know what I want for Christmas?)

See – I’ve seen and read lots of other ‘vampire’ stuff, and I figure in real life? – we got a fucking raw deal, man.   So here it is – a top 13 countdown


13. I want to fly.   Apparently we can fly.   Don’t know how – the human form, dead or alive, is not aerodynamically plausible or gravity-defying.   But fuck – I wanna be able to do it anyway…

12. I want to not have a reflection.   On bad hair days that would be bloody awesome, right?

11. I want superhuman speed. Sure – optimum physical condition is nice, but I want to do the whole ‘you blink’ thing, ‘and I’m behind you…’   Otherwise I’ll simply have to continue just waiting behind you…

10. Mind control.   Shit – yes, please.

9. Transmogrification – jury’s out on this one.   Lions and tigers and bats, oh my?   Useful getaway strategy, but I reckon my own Cat would probably fucking devour me.   Maybe not…

(I asked on Twitter what else I should ask Santa for.   The responses were satirical, metaphysical or fucking hilarious.   They suggested:)

8. Nothing (practical)

7. Fake fangs or body glitter or Twilight merchandise (fuck no)

6. Snaplock bags (fuck yes)

5. A coffin to put everything in (traditional)

4. Garden gnomes (despicable)

3. A woodchipper (actually – I’d been watching Fargo and suggested that myself)

2. Bubblewrap (still bloody amazed someone remembered I fucking love that stuff…)

But no.

The number one thing vampires want for Christmas?   Well.   This vampire anyway.

1. Violence. And Vengeance.   And Amelia‘s head on a platter, Salome-style.


Oh please, Santa?

Er.   I haven’t been a good boy.   In fact, I can fucking guarantee I’m on the naughty list.   But if I don’t get what I want…

There’s going to be trouble.

Oh – what the hell.   Let’s cause some fucking trouble anyway, eh?   It’s Christmas, after all.





  1. Something’s telling me Jonathon’s Christmas is going to be red.

    Btw, you and bubble wrap shouldn’t make me go awww. I have to stop finding you adorable, it’s a problem. A big fucking problem.

    • I’m not fucking adorable. Neither is bubble wrap… It’s bloody serious. And cool.

  2. How about a willing Human Donor? But, I have forgotton how much you like to hunt. And I was wondering about Mitchell still telling stories?

    • Fish boy Mitch? Geez. Kinda forgotten about him. Good point – should look him up one of these days…

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