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So – the Vampiric Holiday Wish List.

(How the fuck else are you going to know what I want for Christmas?)

See – I’ve seen and read lots of other ‘vampire’ stuff, and I figure in real life? – we got a fucking raw deal, man.   So here it is – a top 13 countdown

 

13. I want to fly.   Apparently we can fly.   Don’t know how – the human form, dead or alive, is not aerodynamically plausible or gravity-defying.   But fuck – I wanna be able to do it anyway…

12. I want to not have a reflection.   On bad hair days that would be bloody awesome, right?

11. I want superhuman speed. Sure – optimum physical condition is nice, but I want to do the whole ‘you blink’ thing, ‘and I’m behind you…’   Otherwise I’ll simply have to continue just waiting behind you…

10. Mind control.   Shit – yes, please.

9. Transmogrification – jury’s out on this one.   Lions and tigers and bats, oh my?   Useful getaway strategy, but I reckon my own Cat would probably fucking devour me.   Maybe not…

(I asked on Twitter what else I should ask Santa for.   The responses were satirical, metaphysical or fucking hilarious.   They suggested:)

8. Nothing (practical)

7. Fake fangs or body glitter or Twilight merchandise (fuck no)

6. Snaplock bags (fuck yes)

5. A coffin to put everything in (traditional)

4. Garden gnomes (despicable)

3. A woodchipper (actually – I’d been watching Fargo and suggested that myself)

2. Bubblewrap (still bloody amazed someone remembered I fucking love that stuff…)

But no.

The number one thing vampires want for Christmas?   Well.   This vampire anyway.

1. Violence. And Vengeance.   And Amelia‘s head on a platter, Salome-style.

 

Oh please, Santa?

Er.   I haven’t been a good boy.   In fact, I can fucking guarantee I’m on the naughty list.   But if I don’t get what I want…

There’s going to be trouble.

Oh – what the hell.   Let’s cause some fucking trouble anyway, eh?   It’s Christmas, after all.

 

NEXT ENTRY…

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4 Comments

  1. Something’s telling me Jonathon’s Christmas is going to be red.

    Btw, you and bubble wrap shouldn’t make me go awww. I have to stop finding you adorable, it’s a problem. A big fucking problem.

    • I’m not fucking adorable. Neither is bubble wrap… It’s bloody serious. And cool.

  2. How about a willing Human Donor? But, I have forgotton how much you like to hunt. And I was wondering about Mitchell still telling stories?

    • Fish boy Mitch? Geez. Kinda forgotten about him. Good point – should look him up one of these days…


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