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Let me get this straight, first up.   To the best of my knowledge, there’s no such fucking thing as ‘zombies’.   They’re up there with unicorns, honest politicians, Santa Claus and New Moon being up for any acting oscars, right?   Pure bloody fiction.

Don’t get me wrong though, boys and girls.   I love me a good zombie flick.   Night of the Living Dead is fucking legendary.   Evil Dead, 28 Days Later, REC, Shaun of the Dead, Brain Dead, Zombieland, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, that recent awesome little British mini-series Dead Set – love all that shit.   Violence, horror, gore, blood, and the impending fall of humanity?   Bliss.

Thing is, of course, zombies are being touted as the new replacement for the current vampire craze.   And, geez – that suits me just fine, when said current craze is informed by sequined vegetarian pedophiles, and not anything like the real deal.   But then – zombies are just a kind of perverted reimagining of us anyway, yeah?   Because if you ask all the living dead in the room to raise their hands – well, I’m gonna have to confess, aren’t I?

So yeah – undead, rising from graves (metaphorically, in our case – literally, in theirs…), a penchant for eating people, repopulating the species through a simple love bite – you’re seeing the connections here?

But don’t take this thing too far, right.   Harmony takes film studies, and she explained there’s some horror movie theory thing whereby zombies are meant to be ‘representing’ anxieties about communism or capitalism (everyone alike,  universal greed, yada yada…), and vampires are meant to ‘symbolize’ a fear of oligarchy.   That is – we’re the fucking aristocracy of the food chain, folks, and you’re scared one of these days we might actually assert our superiority a bit more universally…

Fair enough.   So don’t start thinking just because we and the zombie idea  share a few things in common that I’m some kind of dusty, leprous, shambolic  brain-muncher, okay?   Pale, but in the pink of immortal health here – undead but not brain dead, blood-seeking not blood-soaked – and with all my limbs intact.   And unlike zombies, the lifestyle is not ultimately self-defeating.   See – run around biting just anyone? – and before long, everyone is turning up for the family-get-togethers, but there’s nothing left to fucking eat.   No wonder the ficticious undead want brains – they sure as hell need ’em.   And moreover, getting zombified is seen as a bloody infection story all the time – and vampires are vicious, not viruses.   Got it?



The death thing.   The ‘how to kill a zombie’ thing?

That’s a little fucking close to home.


Just ask Amelia.





  1. Brilliant as always =) Though you know I love Twilight I had quite a giggle at the ‘sequined vegetarian pedophile’ comment LOL..

  2. You have made quite a few valid points..I just hope people read before asking you questions..your posts are always my best reads..

  3. Hey, I review horror movies on occasion, and you can get philosophical about stuff like Roger Corman’s ‘Galaxy of Terror’ if you’re just tenacious enough to unground some possible theme. Zombies are no different. I can rant on for hours about the philosophical subplot of 28 Days Later… however, I doubt it makes a difference to the average movie viewer.

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