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Think about this.

You consider the stylised depiction of a malformed severed human organ to be the universal symbol of human love and romance.


And you think I’m bloody-thirsty?   Geez…

Hearts are not fucking pretty.   Take it from me.

(It’s like the fast food franchises having happy cow or chicken mascots and emblems – yeah, happy to be killed, dismembered and then consumed by a ravenous public.   Mmm…)

Hearts aren’t even heart-shaped.   They’re a big, gooey, pulsating, ugly fist of muscle, and if you actually obeyed some of the fucking schmultzy lovesong lyrics you’re likely to be force-fed today? – it would be gruesome, gory, and everyone in the vicinity would need a shower and trauma-counselling after.   Check it:

“I believe that my heart will go on…”   (Now that’s scary Celine confessing to vampirism, if I ever I heard it…)

“I left my heart in San Francisco…”   (That’s just fucking careless.)

“Don’t go breaking my heart…”   (Harder than it sounds.   They’re bloody gooshy.)

“How do you mend a broken heart?”   (Actually, I think you’re pretty much fucked, right there…)

“Take another little piece of my heart now, baby…”   (You might want to think twice about that offer.)

“You’ll be in my heart…”   (It’s gonna be a bloody tight fit, you know?)

“Unchain my heart… you’re got me sewed up like a pillowcase…”   (And that’s just fucking disturbing…)


You know Valentine’s Day supposedly started because some idiot was performing illegal marriages, got sent to jail, fell for the jailor’s daughter and signed her a message, and then was executed, right?   How sweet.

That Valentine dude has a fucking lot to answer for.


And it doesn’t stop there.   Think about some of your other big romantic gestures and gifts:

Cupid shoots people with fucking arrows.   Any fat baby coming after me with a cross-bow won’t look like an expression of undying love to me.

Roses have thorns.   They are not nice flowers.   They evolved themselves to draw blood to preserve their lives.   Bloody vampiric if you ask me…

Chocolate was invented by the Aztecs.   They were also big fans of drinking the blood and eating the flesh of human sacrifices.   They clearly had gourmet palates.


So if you really want to show you care, keep it simple, and keep it real.   Rip out someone’s heart, do it up in cellophane and ribbons and send it to the one you love.   So romantic, right?

It’s what I would do.

Happy bloody Valentine’s Day.





  1. It’s not *that* hard to break someone’s heart. You just have to freeze it first.

  2. Is it wrong that this one made me laugh out loud?! HAHA! Brilliant, as always x

  3. LMAO. The only thing I like about Valentines day is that you wrote this. Cheered me right up

  4. Its refreshing to see I’m not the only one that tells those things to people. It really ruins the event when you comment about the bloody details of the origins of holidays. Nothing is fucking romantic, humans are fed bullshit to keep quiet and do as they’re told by a bunch of powerhungry assholes that take from our bloody hands and kick us to hell. I hate this society…yes I’m a very angry person…

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