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Let me ask you this.

What do you call a group of vampires?


Don’t know, do you?

I’ve researched this over the years.   Some interesting theories out there…


‘Coven’ is popular.   But that’s for witches, and that’s hardly fucking appropriate.   And any self-respecting witch will totally fucking agree.  

‘Nest’, ‘flock’, ‘clutch’, ‘brood’ and ‘colony’ are birds of a feather crap, caught up in the weirdy theory that somehow we defy gravity superman-style, or flap about like our batty little namesakes.   A ‘coterie’ of vampires, for fuck’s sake?   Do I look like a peace dove to you?   No.

‘Host’, ‘clan’, ‘cult’ and ‘bloodline’ turn up in fiction a lot.   That’s because you like reading about complex family interrelationships and detailed power heirarchies, and we refuse to oblige in reality by having any.   Well.   No conventional ones, anyway.

I gotta say – I kinda like the idea of us being like a ‘murder’ of crows – but that’s probably just because they’re also dark omens of death and impending doom.   But I don’t like the ‘herd’, ‘horde’ or ‘pack’ mentality – okay with the lone wolf motif, but we’re not the fucking cast of Jungle Book, okay?

Then people start getting creative, and I’ll be the first to admit it – they get bloody funny.   Pun intended.   A bite of vampires, a clot of vampires, a glut of vampires…  

Shit.   Now I’m hungry.

And you know I always get a kick out of a good Twilight piss-take – so there’s a sparkle, a glitter, a kiss, an angst or a romance of us.   Okay – not hungry any more.   Little nauseous now, actually…

Then if you want to go old school, it’s a Vlad, a Stoker or a Legosi of vampires – got a nice ring to them, don’t they?   Classy.

Finally, there’s the nifty little gothic flourish.   A death of vampires.   An immortality of vampires.   A plague, a nightmare, a terror of vampires.   And sure.   I like those…


But no.   Ultimately – no.   No to all of that shit.   None of them are – er – is right.

Wanna know why you don’t know what the collective noun for vampires are – I mean, is?

It’s because me going around to Daisy‘s last night for a tea party complete with china tea set with matching teacups and tea cosy over tea pot – which didn’t contain tea – is (are?) a bloody rarity.

Oh, fuck it.


Vampires don’t congregate, all right?

So we don’t fucking do plurals.





  1. HAHA. Love it. You are always entertaining and often educational. Picturing you at a tea party with an old lady, even if she is a Vampire, is pretty bloody funny. Pun intended! =D

  2. A group of vampires is called a “Kiss”.

    • That’s possibly why I mentioned it in the post…

  3. Thank you. It never made sense to me why vampires had to hang out with each other in the movies. Wouldn’t you be fighting over the same meal when you saw it?

    If there was a group, I like the Murder of Vampires. Either that or that would be a good name for a goth band.

  4. Sorry, I missed it the first time around. And no, I didn’t take that from Twilight… Anita Blake, actually.

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