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I hear with my little ear something beginning with H…

Or so I thought.   With Harmony coming over soon, the knock at the door evoked logical presumptions.

So I just yell, “Come in, Harm – it’s open”, and continue playing Uncharted 2 as the door opens and shuts, and I pause the game, skid the controller across the coffee table, and look over.

It’s Kane.




He’s carrying a pink diary with a finger marking a page, and he flips it open and holds it up aggressively at me.

I’m lost.


“She came here” – the tone is accusatory.

“What, man?” – though light is dawning.

“She wrote it in her fucking diary, Jonathon.   Your name, this address: the date she disappeared.   I found it.   Is she here?   She’s here, isn’t she?   You two had some fucking thing going behind my back the whole fucking time.   Where is she?”

I start to talk, but he doesn’t hear.   He’s ripping open all the doors in the place and searching about like his lost girlfriend has been a hide and seek champion all this time.   He’s crimson and breathing badly, and the shove he gives when I get in his way is ferocious.   The Cat (that is on the bed) puts back its ears and growls – and Kane doesn’t even flinch.

I hear with my little ear something…

Front door opens againas Kane rampages back into the entryway – and he and Harm come face to face.   He barely looks at her as I take the moment to reach for his arm.

I hear with my little ear…

…the sound of fist meeting face flesh.   I gotta say – it’s a fucking good swing, and it fucking hurts.   Him too, it seems – he nurses his hand and looks hate at me.

“Kane – listen, man – just for a fucking second.

“I never touched Carly.   Ever.   [True]

“She never came to this apartment – fucking swear it.   [True]

“I never even spoke to her.   [True]

“And I sure as hell don’t know where she is now.   [True]

She messaged me to talk about you – wanted me to get in touch with you.   Finally gave her my address – and she never got here, man.   Something must’ve happened before she got here, because she never arrived.”

All true.   Must have had the ring of veracity too – because Kane dissolved onto the floor, and cried.

Rough, wracking, terrible sobs that made his whole body heave in pain.


Harm shut the door quietly behind her to disappoint any neighbouring audiences, and looked at me pointedly.

I semaphored “What?” with my eyebrows.

She indicated the wreck of Kane with her head, and distinctly signalled “Well?” with her eyes.

I shrugged in genuine ignorance.   How the hell do you deal with weeping estranged male friends?

Harm pantomined.   Oh.


So Harm went to make coffee, and left behind an emotional mess sobbing viciously into the shoulder of a suspected sociopath – who was attempting the occasional awkward manly pat on the back.

Let’s hear your support for that one-armed applause: for Jonathon’s hollow humanitarian efforts at a “there there”.

Here, here.





  1. Way to flip it on its ear.And Bravo for your self control..

  2. ohhhh.. such a.. half-liar.. 🙂 I really like this entry.

    I wonder what happened to Carly’s body or perhaps it would be better not knowing instead. I mean, I really hope you guys properly buried her, you know not chop her into pieces and umm.. “scatter” the remains… or worse..

  3. Nice one! Poor Kane, but you didn’t exactly lie did you.. =)

  4. OH MY GOD!!!!! I wake up to this Kool Kat! I truly hope this is supposed to bring me the LAUGHGASM of a lifetime, because it has!!!! This is funny ass shit!


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