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Now don’t get fucking carried away, right?   Let’s be clear about this.  

I don’t bloody care what most film and fiction says: becoming one of us is not akin to getting a full and instant Hollywood makeover.   As if attaining immortality and an insatiable blood lust weren’t bargain enough – you don’t get the added bonus of suddenly being smoking hot, okay?   With slightly long but impeccably coiffured hair.   Or an exotic accent.   Or an astonishingly chiselled physique.

No.   It’s bullshit.   (Okay, yes – Py is a bit of a poster child for that Byronic stereotype, I’ll admit: but that’s probably because he and Byron tore up Switzerland for a while together…)   No.   In reality, you get eternal life and peak physical condition, sure – but what is immortalized is what you always were.

Take the case in point.


When he opened the door to me the other day, he was a far more familiar modern vampire stereotype.

Where can you be comfortably pale, night-dwelling, taciturn and anti-social?   Who can you be?   Developing hobbies that make it easy to misrepresent yourself, organize your life, and provide endless information and amusement are preferable.   If you can make some money on the side of that, even better.   If it doesn’t matter you’re lanky or undeveloped, knock-kneed or sunked-chested, sallow or beyond freckled, croaky or adenoidal, with crooked teeth perhaps, or unruly hair, or ears like side-mirrors, or a distinct lack of chin – better yet.   And if you can have all this and never even have to see sunlight… perfect.   (It’s all a bit bloody passive for me, but who I to judge, right?   I’m stuck in fucking high school, for fuck’s sake…)

See – I’m not saying Dwayne has any of these features, per se; but he sure as hell has that lifestyle down pat.   So after we met the other night, I will say this.

If the geeks do ever inherit the earth?…

It’ll be with Dwayne leading the assault.





  1. I like this Dwayne dude already. Oh, and hello Johnny.

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