Skip navigation

Daisy rang before.   Ostensibly to invite me over for a glass of red (oh yes, exactly what you think…) – but mainly to see what I thought of Dwayne.   Dwayne – her new cold-footed corpse-courier and personal proselyte.

I told he was a dork.   Or a geek.   Or a nerd.   Yeah – I know there’s a fucking difference, but to be honest? – I don’t give enough of a shit to find out what that is…


See, Dwayne answered the door the other day with:

“Huh.   So you’re the late, ‘great’ Jonathon8?”

I fucking swear – he would have spelt that with 8s for all the rhymes if he could.   I followed him in as he turned away contemptuously.   Kim Kardashian was pouting from several walls, two dissected Macs and an Ipad were spilling out their entrails over the kitchen counter, the floor was tiled with armfuls of Blue-ray cases, and the imposing home entertainment system looming in the corner was doing a passable impersonation of an Imperial battle cruiser.

Dwayne threw himself back into a swivel desk chair, and continued playing World of Warcraft as he spoke.   (Seriously? – people still play that shit?)  

“Daisy said you were coming an hour ago.”

“Yeah.   She also said you were cool.   Just goes to show, eh?   Guess you couldn’t wait for these, then?”

He let the knitted bed socks from Daisy dangle in front of his nose for about three seconds before he grabbed them off me.   I, however, wouldn’t let it go.   The guy was pissing me off.

“You know it’s just physical memory, right?   We don’t feel the fucking cold, man.   You just remember how it felt – like scratching phantom limbs.   Or maybe you just need a little cuddly comfort at nights, do you?   Gets lonely?    Been a while, has it?”

The chair swung back around.   And Dwayne wiped his nose with the flat of his hand, then drew back his lips and felt his incisors with the tip of his tongue before he replied.

“Me?   I see more action than you – “Johnny”.   Too busy writing your little angst-fest, and playing around with the high school emo crowd, for frack’s sake.   What is with that?   ‘Boo hoo, my fwend is angwy at me – waahhh, someone’s twying to kill me…’   Geee-eez.   You should check ebay and see if anyone’s found your lost dignity, because you’re a total fricking embarrassment to the community, dickweed.   All the frigging big words and acting like you know where it’s at – making out as if there’s anything else worth doing around here but kill stuff online and off.   We talk about you on the forum all the time – everything you go on about is so flipping predictable, and all these loser blood-donors you hang with are walking human cliches, and don’t even get us started on that ‘Amelia’ thing – we couldn’t believe you fell for that.   Sheeeez.   Embarrassing, much?”


I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.   I had to ask.


“Did you just say… ‘frack’?”


Yeah.   Dwayne and I really hit it off.





  1. Once again it never ceases to surprise me how good this is. Fricking Awesome!!

  2. Is this the douchebag who was “keepin it real?”

  3. Ha ha ha ha!!!! Dwayne is a fracking BSG fan! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!! I love it vampire geekdom fucking Hilarious!

  4. A new guy, Nice! He sounds much cooler than you but it’s hard to believe anyone still plays world of warcraft these days.

  5. Umm,,#1 no one is cooler than Jonathon8 and damn, there are even vampire Bullies..Thought Brix was bad..

  6. I laughed so much at this. Brilliantly funny. He IS annoying. Hi Dwayne.

  7. Awesome! He sounds like he’d suit the cast of Big Bang Theory!! P.S I don’t like him for dissing you, but i’m sure you can handle your own. Hey, least you were discussed on the nerds forum, you’re more popular than you realised HA =)

  8. …wow. Just wow. Does he have a nasally voice and horn-rimmed glasses, too?

    I would love to know how any vampire could look at this kid as a human and go, “YES! He’d be a PERFECT addition to our kind. Let’s make him an immortal geek so he can be annoying FOREVER!”

    Hey Dwayne, if you’re reading this… Do you have any idea how moronic you sound? And not the least bit threatening or scary. But hey, at least we get to laugh at your expense.

    • no i dont. the sound you hear is me getting the last laugh. you fankids are the morons. if he met you hed just kill you.
      im a g33k. theres a fracking difference.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: