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Easter.   Not my thing.   I am not a religious being. – though as there probably weren’t a great many chocolate egg-laying rabbits around in first-century Golgotha (the chocolate would melt, for starters…), I suspect there are plenty of people willing to take the why out of a holi-day.

The observant among you will have noticed I don’t even blaspheme.   Okay – I swear a fucking lot, but I just don’t get the whole calling on someone I’ve never been acquainted with thing.   And if I’m going to take something in vain, I prefer to spell it differently.   That’s not to say I’m biblically-challenged, though.   Read a few holy texts in my time.   And before you ask – no.   They didn’t burn me to a crisp, lightning didn’t strike me down, and plagues of locusts didn’t descend.   If there’s power in religion, my experience says it’s not in the accoutrements.   I’ve mentioned before: crucifixes don’t even make me a bit cross.   Gotta fear material things for them to affect you – and I generate more fear factor than I ever feel.

But people love lumping us in with religion: it makes for good stories.   Take the first vampire theories, for example.   The Bible and its apochrypha has been ransacked a lot to fill this historical deficit – something about the epic battles of good and evil, and issues of moral and spiritual ambiguity excite some people’s over-active imaginations, I guess.   Just ask Dan Brown.

Obvious suspect is good ol’ Lucifer.   Started out a creation of light, chucked out of heaven for challenging God to fisticuffs, became creature of the night.   Oops.   Hello Satan, Prince of Darkness, Lord of the Flies, et cetera.   Honestly – with his insistence on the melodramatic titles, dude would clearly be a total tosser if you met him.   And we might seem like the Old Nick’s evil grandkids, but come on.   No horns, tails or pitchforks here, boys and girls; I’m many things, but a Miltonic ‘fallen angel’ is never going to be among them.   You’ve watched The Exorcist one too many times.   That’s not how we roll, so that ‘who’s your daddy’ isn’t gonna fly.   Hell, no.

There’s Cain, of course.   Killed his bro in a fit of jealous rage, was branded a murderer and cursed to walk the earth for eternity.   Not sure immortality would be a punishment for everyone, but there you go.   Melmoth, the Ancient Mariner, Ahasuerus, the Wandering Jew, the Flying Dutchman – he gets lots of incarnations, but apparently he wandered in penance, and not blood-sucking frenzies.  So aw.

Then poor old Judas, right?   Red-haired, unpopular, strapped for cash.   Thirty pieces of silver if you kiss your pal after a big night out, and suddenly you’re an accessory to death of a saviour.   Shit.   So legend says he hanged himself, but theory goes that it didn’t kill him, because choice of evil deed = creation of evil being.   Don’t quite know how one makes the leap from ‘shithouse friend’ to ‘vampire’, mind you…

Okay.   Here’s the really contentious claim.   You ready for this?   He did hand around a cup for his buddies to drink from saying, categorically, “This is my blood”.   He did rise from the dead and could bring people back from the brink of death.   He was certainly meant to live forever.   But whatever we are, it’s certainly not Christ-figures.   Jesus…

Know my favorite among these wacky suggestions?   Hit the apochrypha for this one: those weirdy leftover Bible bits.   Lilith.   Adam’s first wife.   Bad press all around for this lady (though it proves Frasier has its subtle moments…)   Lilith was formed from earth like Adam (not from spare ribs like Eve), so she kept demanding gender equality.   She’s into women’s lib, he gets all misogynistic, they fight all the fucking time, so she finally leaves him for better career prospects.   Maybe to be a witch, maybe to spawn demons or kill babies or devour men, possibly to give her name to the Lamia and start our lineage.   Sexual, magical, cold-blooded, hot-headed killer.   You can see why this origin myth you’ve made up about us is appealing, if implausible.   It’s just a fucking awesome story, isn’t it?


It reminds me of Amelia.

Happy Easter.





  1. I would bow down in awe, but I have some issues with making myself that vulnerable around you.

  2. I’ll bow down kid. I always thought he was a vampire or a zombie. I mean, come on… dead for 3 days then rises…as what????

  3. What a wonderfully provocative Easter offering. So, the Prince of Darkness is a “total tosser” hey? He heard that. Happy Easter Bunny Day to you, my fiendish friend.

  4. I’m curious, you think Amelia’s scar has healed by now? Maybe she’s pissed.. Wonder why..

  5. Interesting read as always, and though evil and serious you usually can be you still manage to make me laugh =D Nice pun on the crucifixes 😉 Happy Belated Easter!

  6. Kudo’s for taking the bunny out of Easter.
    And you got me Googling Lilith

  7. You were digging through the Alphabeth ben-Sirach again, haven’t you?

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