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What do you get the vampire who has nothing because… a frackwit geek pseudo-uncle arsonist momma’s boy stole your alter-ego, your savings and your capacity to enjoy a nice inferno?   (Long fucking story.   Don’t ask.)

Well, this one needs a bloody job.   Preferably bloody would be nice, actually.   So I’m taking suggestions.   Out of school hours, happy to work nights, don’t suffer fools gladly – oh, and it needs to pay fucking well too, because I’m skint.

Thanks for those who gave some options on Twitter.   You know who you are.   Some were kinda witty.   Some were pretty lame.   Some I actually looked into…

Yes, I seriously considered the sort of blood bank attendant/phlebotomist possibility because I certainly prefer to stand the sight of blood, and it does initially sound like the perks include all-you-can-eat, and the drinks are on tap.   But there’s training, inventories, and the fact that EDTA makes the good stuff taste funny anyway, so it’s not all as rosy as you’d think.   Plus I’m pretty sure my bedside manner would, well, suck.   It’s not like I have a lot of sympathy for anyone complaining about their blood being drained.  

Suck it up, I say.

The whole night porter, late-night gas-station attendant, graveyard-shift taxi-driver vibe has the ‘creature of darkness’ appeal, sure -but apparently demands a face, physique and ID that says 18+, and some kind of employment record I sure the hell don’t have.

I could turn to an unlife of crime, of course.   Hitman or mugger is always an option.   Only I don’t really fancy being told where, when and who to eat.   Plus no-one advertises for that shit in the newspaper or on employment websites, and it’s not like practitioners can peddle their services in public arenas either.   As for the other – I’ve dabbled in that in an amateur way occasionally, and do you know how few people carry enough fucking cash to make it worth my while?   It’s okay for scoring Iphones and media players and cool jewelry if I wanted to go into ebay fencing in a big way, but honestly it’s all a fuckload of trouble when it isn’t just for your own personal adornment.

Cinema projectionist (because it’s permanently fake-night-plus-movies), museum worker (because I’d be at home with the artifacts), and record-store employee (because they’re a surly bunch generally) I did actually look into: but no-one around here is hiring.

And as for teen counsellor, dental assistant, and anything than involves me wearing a hideous uniform with a funny hat? – you people have a sick sense of humor.   Kudos.

Anyway.   The whole job-hunting gig blows big meaty chunks (and I don’t mean in a good way) – my expertise lies in different hunting skills, usually.   But, having lied through my teeth on the resume, I’ve finally been told to come in looking neat and presentable for an interview in the morning.   Bad start, mind – my best jeans are currently soaking in ammonia for the blood stains, my pronounced issues with authority are already resenting the tone here, and it’s not like I’m a real morning person or anything…

So it should all go fucking brilliantly, yeah?

I’ll keep you posted.





  1. Butcher! At least you’d have an explanatory reason for blood stains.

  2. Good Luck with the interview. Can’t wait to hear about the job…

  3. Aw, aren’t we a loveable, helpful bunch of peeps. Or we’re all batshit insane for gleefully offering job hunting advice to a psychopath. Either way…it’s fun. Good luck.

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