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First and foremost?

They’re never like Buffy.  

I know.   Fucking disappointing, eh?   Tell me about it.   No witty one-liners, cool outfits, and neat and nifty fight scenes.   I do what I can to supply the deficiency, but it’s just not the same when you’re the villain.  

I’m okay with that though.

Anyway – bounty hunting us is basically reserved for the kinda stupid.   Like idiot tourists going big-game hunting armed with sharpened pencils.   Contrary to popular culture theories, there’s no fucking structure or system to it.   No ‘chosen one’, no training, no code of honor or battle-scarred mentors or ancient weapons handed down.   Nothing so cool.   They’re usually just ‘religious’ zealots or deluded goth role players, or some other kind of looney tunes.   And they’re a rare breed, as I’ve observed before.   In recent years, it can occasionally be someone who watched too much Whedon or Wesley or Wolverine (yeah, I know – but it’s what you think every time you see the dude onscreen anyway).   They’re all pretty harmless.   And useless.   Mostly they can’t even find us: sometimes end up slaughtering some random innocent and pleading insanity.   Dickheads.   But even if they do get it right?   Once the arsenal of pathetic little toys inspired by misguided vampire mythology proves ineffective… you can pretty much just eat ’em.

Only one kind of vampire vigilante is interesting.

The vengeful one.

Fucking forget love, high morals or the welfare of the human race as powerful motives.   What really drives any of you to meet us on our own terms – dark, dirty, death-set? – is always revenge.   And usually self-motivated too: not because we ate your dad or your lover or your daughter (aww) – but because we hurt your feelings having fucked-up killing you the first time, and now you want to even the score.

Which brings us to Brix.

And don’t you dare fucking say you told me so.

I kept him for just this sort of occasion.   Thought he’d failed to rise to the challenge for a while there, but the dude came through.   ‘Bout time I had an adversary really worth sinking my teeth into.

Wish I’d got my bloody unlife savings back from fuckwit Dwayne first, though.   Man.   If only this recent promotion in my long and colorful career of slaying slayers was going to pay better…

 

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