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This is your only chance.

What have you always wanted to know?

Go on – I dare you.

75 Comments

  1. How do you feel about the portrayal of vampires in twilight?

  2. Three words.

    Sparkly.
    ‘Vegetarian’.
    Baseball-playing.

    Fuck, no.
    Three strikes, you’re out.

    • What? You don’t sparkle in the sunlight? My entire world view is shattered by your contradiction of the vampire truths in _Twilight_! Now, I will slink off to a corner to weep tears of blood.

      [The sarcasm returns…]

  3. Lol. You are very entertaining.
    Okay, so tell me something. Dont you ever have…desires? The same desires of every teenage boy in the world.

  4. Three comments:

    i) Why? – are you making an offer?
    ii) The age I look and the thing I am are two very different beasts
    iii) I devoted several entries to this already. You should probably try reading the bloody blog, yeah?…

  5. Oh my gosh! I’ve been reading your blog and i’m so, like, in LOVE with you! I think that, well, with a bit of trying you could be like, my Edward, and I’ll become, like, Bella!!! We could sparkle forever! Like, happy!
    Okey, pissed you off already.
    I believe you. And I admire your effort to make people realize that vampires ought to be respected. They didn’t live forever to just fall in love. There are many more things in life, probably most important to you than this.
    But I couldn’t help but wonder…are there any human feelings left in you? Do you feel…lonely? Do you feel pain? Emotional pain. Forgive me if I insulted you. But I’d like to hope that even if the most rutlhless, cold-hearted, stripped of any humanity and compassion monster there is a chance for passionate feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to convince you to be Edward. Hatred, lust, desire, rage are all emotions.
    As it seems, what I’m trying to ASK, is probably when was a time that you felt the most powerful emotions, in your long long life?
    I think that’s all.
    For now.

    • Do you know Jenna at all…?

      I’m currently feeling strongly derisive and fucking misanthropic. Both very powerful emotions just now.

      Wonder why?

  6. I believe the sarcasm on the first paragraph of my post was undetected. I tried (without success, it seems) to impersonate a Jenna-like character.
    Well anyway, my sense of humor is widely misconcepted. I won’t argue with that.
    Why such misanthropism? I mean, I can relate to that feeling in so many ways, but do you find it difficult to just try and think there might be people out there worth you “attention”? Or even the opportunity to stick out of the herd, and be acnowledged for doing so?
    Yes, indeed the world is slowly walking towards destruction, towards suicide, because of the ones that don’t care. But why do you put us all in the same basket and you label us accordingly?
    We are fucked up, but without hope what will happen???
    I’m really out of subject now. I don’t even know why I’m posting in the question section without one clear question.
    Here it is.
    What do you care most about?
    What is your biggest desire?
    Of course, IF you care, and IF you desire something ideal. And by the depth of your character, that’s clearly showing on your posts, I’m sure there is.
    Okey, I’m done. Forgive my unstoppable talking(writing).

    • What a fucking relief – one Jenna is quite enough… I’d say the impersonation was highly successful then.

      Why do I label you? – well, you put all _your_ eggs in the one basket, don’t you? And you never bother worrying about the hopes and dreams of your fridge contents for example, do you?

      I care about me and amusing myself. My desire is for an enduring form of entertainment: having an audience is proving pretty fucking hilarious in that respect…

  7. We are not “eggs”!!! You might consider us as your food, but we’ve got feelings, and dreams and hopes. Eggs don’t! Chickens don’t. And if they do…well I’m sorry, I guess.
    Misanthropism in that level seems extreme.
    But, who am I to judge. Maybe in all those years you just haven’t stumbled across love, or devotion, or the other similar bullshit we, simple humans, care about.
    Are you completely positive that your non-beating heart is made of ice and stone?

    • Human reproduction 101, my friend. You’re an egg.
      I lied about my heart though. It beats. It just doesn’t give a shit.

    • Preface: I feel the need to jump into the conversation. I will do so, knowing that Jonathon may choose to never publish my comment, and I won’t hold that against him.

      I genuinely care about humans. Without them, I have no way to survive. In fact, I believe I care more for the well-being of humanity than humans do. Does that mean I want to befriend any of them?–No, that is too much of an investment in something that is by nature very temporary.

      Fairy, You speak of love and devotion; those are not precisely the same thing. Jonathon certainly has devotion to particular individuals (why else would he keep the cat?), but do not confuse devotion with the need for constant companionship.

      And, what is love, exactly? Your idea and mine are likely to differ enormously–your concept of love is deeply rooted in romantic notions, but my concept of love calls on the innate need of humans to survive.

      Humans are social creatures; they need each other, so they develop love. Who does a vampire need in order to survive? Well, he needs himself, and he needs his sustenance. So he cares about humans, but only so much as he cares for the perpetuation of humanity.

      Why should he love an individual human? No one names a pig that he is about to slaughter.

      Cordially,
      Ana

      Post Script: Of course the heart beats. If it didn’t, the blood would coagulate in the feet.

  8. I used to have a pig in my country house. My grandfather had bought it with the sole purpose of killing it around Christmas.
    I named it. I used to bring food to it. When I saw it at the dinner table I felt no remorse, as much as I liked it when it was alive. Because it’s my nature to love people, or even animals. (And getting hurt by it.)
    So, what I finally understood about vampires, after all these years that I’ve been studying the supernatural is that they are cold hearted, ruthless monsters.
    Not that I didn’t know that, obviously. But what was strongly believed, was the fact that the years you’ve spent in this world would make you care about and understand TRUE emotions. Because true emotions (about other people!) do excist. And seeing someone 50 times or more my age, that has come across so many different situations, not believing in the nature of emotions makes me feel a bit overwhelmed.
    I guess there’s no point on carrying on this conversation, then.

    • Perhaps, ladies, we may put this down to cultural differences.
      As a human, friend, your obvious empathy is commendable. And as ever, Ana, your enduring eloquence is admirable.
      And as always, I’m the happy cause of the malcontent.
      Many thanks for a bloody entertaining conversation…

  9. Is there really no way you can get fake documentation that says you’re 18? Sure you’ll still have to move every few years, but I don’t think I could handle repeating high school over and over without going insane.

    Also, a 400+ year old guy hanging out with teenage girls is more than a little creepy.

  10. Has your name always been Johnathon?

    Or do you flip flop with names every time you move to another area to call ‘home’ and just happen to have Johnathon the name of the face you wear this year?

    -Kortnii

    p.s. I havent caught up with all the posts yet, so dont bark at me to just “read the fucking blog and find out on ‘so and so’ post when I wrote the answer to then.” ok? thanks.

    p.p.s. youre hysterical and Im picky. so kudos on making me laugh.

    • I’ve never mentioned this, and no-one else has ever asked, so I’ll endeavor to keep the barking to a minimum…

      I have changed names before. Sometimes for amusement, sometimes for necessity. Jonathon is the old-school one though – I come back to it…

      Fucking good question. See? My bark isn’t worse than my bite.

      My bite definitely outranks it…

  11. Since it’s that time of year…

    Halloween: Annoying and worthy of eyerolling or at least mildly amusing? Or are you indifferent?

    Forgive me if you’ve already addressed this. I only started reading today and am only just barely through July, but I’m very curious.

    • A host of idiotic giggly people working on being obese and getting high on sugar, dressing up in tulle and spandex, and parodying me?

      No. Not annoying at all…

  12. Finally caught up. After reading your rants concerning the angsty, tortured, emotionally burdened fictionalized vampires a la Buffy, Twilight, True Blood, etc. I am very interested to know your opinion of media/literary vampires portrayed on the opposite end of the spectrum such as the ones in From Dusk Til Dawn, I Am Legend, and especially in 30 Days of Night.

    Thoughts?

    T.

    • The movie 30 Days of Night was worth it for that one awesome arial shot of the carnage. The rest was dull – laughed my head off at the end…

      Dusk Till Dawn – fucking funny with the face prosthetics, and shit yes – I sure as hell want a Mayan temple sleaze bar as my headquarters. And Cheech to be a vampire…

      I Am Legend. Weirdy naked shaking zombie people. Uh huh. Book was more interesting – you can guess who I was rooting for at the end…

      Can’t fucking wait to see Let The Right One In – got a copy but turns out it was dubbed rather than subtitled, so fuck that shit.

      • Agreed, on all points.

        I’ve heard Let The Right One In is fantastic. I got about halfway through the book and put it down because it was so chaotic and jarring with too many characters. But apparently the movie trimmed out most of the bullshit and just focused on the good stuff. Can’t wait to see it.

        T.

      • Let the Right One In IS fantastic. The end scene is brilliant. I watched the movie before I read the book, it made things easier.

        I fear for the American remake, though.

  13. A while back you mentioned that you had never met werewolves, ghosts, etc. (and thus as far as you were concerned, they don’t exist). Fair enough.
    You also mentioned – well, let me put it this way – something you said back in June implied that you might not know another of your kind just by seeing them.

    Do you know when you meet another vampire without them telling you?

    That said, is there something about humans that makes them notably ‘human’?

    • We don’t have a secret handshake or anything, if that’s what you’re asking…

      But we know all the markers that make us what we are. Like you recognising signs of your own culture or religion or sexual preference, or whatever – you don’t know, but you can make a pretty informed guess on first impression…

      Humans are just more dull. And smell more.

        • Fisher
        • Posted October 26, 2009 at 1:03 am
        • Permalink

        Ah, thanks for answering my question.

        I figured as much.
        If we can tell our kind by form from humans, then certainly your kind would, as you said, be able to make an educated guess.

        Humans may be a bit thick, but they do have decent instincts. If only they would listen to those instincts instead of believing that such things are foolish bedtime stories. There are enough things that walk in the dark places that it would be well advised. Yet, I suppose such disbelief in the old stories make it easier for your kind.
        And mine, I’d wager, as well.

  14. So clearly I have too much time on my hands to be pondering shit like this… but couldn’t the Cat theoretically make more vampire animals (accidentally or whatever), like if it got into a fight with whatever it was hunting or say another stray? Or is it smart enough to avoid getting bit for that reason? Is this something you’ve ever thought/worried about?

    • Possible, of course. Not my problem, though. The Cat can sure as hell take care of itself…

  15. Forgive me if this seems rather insulting, but do you EVER meet anyone who is not extremely stereotypical or one sided? Not everyone is strictly who they seem to be and besides for your recent encounter with Brix, I’ve found all your acquaintances to be quite predictable.
    Pondering about this I also came to wonder if you believe there is a human who ,is in fact, more than a stereotype.

    Having said this I would like to add that your blog is the first I’ve ever read, and religiously at that. Compliments ensue.

    • I tell it how I see it. Most people are dull. I’m not sure I equate ‘not strictly who they seem to be’ with ‘stereotypical’, but as you wish. Occasionally one does come across unpredictable people, however – though not as often as one might like…

      Compliments accepted.

  16. Um, have you considered getting your ‘musings’ published in book form? – and if you haven’t why not? – cause man, I think you’ve got a chance, seriously EVERYONE’S cashing in on the vamp craze, so nows the time…

    Also what do you think bout True Blood & the Sookie Stackhouse novels?

    P.S. More Harmony & cat please 🙂

    • Yeah – being talked to about the whole book thing…

      Only watched True Blood – it needs more vampires and less fictional creatures…

  17. How do you have your blog set up with a Next feature so that we are able to read things chronologically. I’ve been trying to do that on one of mine and I don’t know how.

    • Manually, with the link feature on the new post tool bar.

    • Rosemarie Fullerton
    • Posted February 1, 2010 at 7:19 pm
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    i’m slow and i bore easily which basically means i probably missed the question on turning? How do you turn a victim or is that even possible?

    • I’m slow and I bore easily – must have got distracted from answering. Or maybe I’ve already talked about this in the blog with the Cat. Or maybe I don’t want a population explosion anytime soon…

    • Rosemarie Fullerton
    • Posted February 5, 2010 at 8:25 pm
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    *chuckles* thanks.

  18. that you are my dear, that you are.

  19. since you’ve been…errr…alive… for quite some time, would you mind telling me what era you believe is the most enjoyable?
    PS I also think you should look into getting a formspring, that would be wonderful.

  20. Say, Jonathon.
    What kind of girls do you find attractive? If any, are you in any state of mind, or control of yourself to sustain a relationship?

    • I think you’re going to have to remind me why the hell I’d ever want to ‘sustain a relationship’?

        • Natacha Jensen
        • Posted February 24, 2010 at 9:21 pm
        • Permalink

        Sex on a Daily basis, perhaps?

  21. Hi jonathon! I will post my supersmart questions so you will immediately understand how intelligent I am!!!
    1. What is your haircut? I mean when I see those from your human youth time, they are just not cool… most of them look like hair helmets!
    2. Are you muscular? I heard that in 15. century there was no much obese people (isn’t a famine awesome?!?!)
    3. How tall you are? I mean I know how tall people were in your time sooo…

    • So basically – what do I look like? Not really getting the hang of my whole anonymity thing here, are you…?

  22. So Jonathon,

    As 500 year old guy you could tell us did you know any famous historical person? Where you been in time of struggle of poor Marie Antoinette (my favorite HP)and when princess Lamballe was killed? Did you know them?

  23. I meant “knew”…

    • No. You meant ‘know’.

      I’ve already talked about famous vampires. You should read my blog – I hear it’s fucking awesome…

    • Hello, I am a film and television producer from Los Angeles looking to explore and understand real Vampires. Would it be possible for us to email /speak regarding the subject? I understand that you are a private individual with a private life and I am in no way attempting to undermine that fact, so please do not take offense to my inquiry. Please let me know if you would be interested and how we may contact each other under more private circumstances.

  24. But I ask you about specific persons… (sob,sob). And I guess that you didn’t encountered vampires only.

  25. So, this has been bothering me about a lot of vampire fiction, and I’ve got my own ideas about it but wanted your thoughts:

    Vampires + menstrual blood = ???

    I mean, MEDICALLY, that blood full of nutrients because it’s intended to support a fetus, but… do Vampires need that kind of nutrition…?

    • You know it’s also full of other stuff being expelled, right? Ew.

      Not to be too delicate (since you brought it up), but you’d prefer to open the soda can yourself rather than have to deal with any possible contaminating backwash, yeah?…

        • Curious Writer
        • Posted March 30, 2010 at 2:50 am
        • Permalink

        That was a surprisingly civil and well-explained answer — thank you. The thought is gross, but… y’know… bears asking.

        Humans eat some pretty disturbing things, too, in the name of nutrition. Some cultures encourage eating the placenta after birthing a child because it’s nutritious. I can only imagine how creative a vampire has to get for variety.

      • I’m surprised at me being civil too…

    • Menstrual blood only consists of a tiny percentage of actual blood. The rest of what you people see when a female is menstruating is something I like to call ‘uterus slime’.

      As jonathon8 said: You wouldn’t want your food to be… well, THAT. Uterus slime.
      Icky.

  26. Hi Jonathon,

    so question is about your strength, I mean it’s obvious that you are strong enough to overpower an adult male, but how strong are you and other vampires? I know it’s not easy to measure, but how much you can lift? could a martial art trained guy can keep you away from me? I ask you because my boyfriend brags a little, and I just want to be sure…
    Fight or run?

    • Fight or run? I’d rather eat.

      I’ve never bothered measuring, but biologically and by necessity, I function more efficiently and effectively than both you…

      And your boyfriend – tell the dude to rein in his testosterone before he becomes a taste test.

  27. Si vous avez vraiment été de 300 ans en Europe vampire alors vous avez certainement appris une langue qui fut pendant des siècles considéré comme universel?

  28. what happened to facebook?

    • It’s there. I post updates on it. Er – yep.

        • Bohemian
        • Posted August 28, 2010 at 1:53 pm
        • Permalink

        The other day on your blog you have a choice of ‘tweet’ or FB I did the FB the site pulled up and I did the usual to add a friend/like buttons but some tech note popped up and having problems. And I havent been able to access it.

        On the blog now it only has ‘tweet’ Could you please send me a link?

        love the blog and your cat with attitude.

      • Sorted…

  29. ~a thousand kisses~ thank you~

    • There are so many reasons why kissing and me are not a healthy combination for you…

  30. Come baaaaaaaccccckkkk! You aren’t really dead. You can’t be! ……….. *sob*

  31. Where have you been, and who’s been keeping you away so long? I know it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and you being gone for so long had a great many of us “herd” members worried.
    That’s what separates us from the other mammals, you know–the cattle don’t worry if the foreman at the abattoir takes an extended leave. We, on the other hand, miss you.
    So. What’s been eating at you?
    And of course, the corollary applies: who’ve you been eating?

  32. Hey Jonathon,

    I’d like to appologise for the fact that everytime I think of you, I call you Jojo.
    Sorry, don’t kill me.

    Liza

  33. If you become a vampire by being bitten by another one, there has to be a vampire, who already existed before all vampires (even you). So it really doesn’t make any sense how the “first” vampire was created.
    I hope you can give me a logical explanation.

    Cassandra

    • If you become a human by being squeezed out into the world by another one, does there have to be a human who existed before all humans? There sure-as-shit isn’t any vampire ‘bible’, lady, and if you want an undead ‘evolution’ lesson, prepare to be disappointed. Fuck, it’s not like I was around at the dawn of time. How fucking old do you think I am?

        • Cassandra
        • Posted February 14, 2012 at 8:52 pm
        • Permalink

        You don’t have to be so harsh, you know. I just thought you knew something about the history of vampires, given that you are the only real vampire I kinda know. You can’t expect that I’ll ask other “vampires” with plastical teeth and red contact lenses about the vampire history.
        Oh, and about your age. I think you’re about 250 years old (a decade given or taken). Correct me, if I’m wrong.

      • We all know I don’t play nice. Ask Amelia if you want history older than me. And you’re out by a couple of centuries. Give or take…


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